Before we got to the zoo, however, there was the harrowing Denver traffic to get through.  At one point, everyone in front of us slowed down abruptly, forcing me to apply the brakes in what I shall describe as a vigorous fashion.  Rebek seemed tense, which I took as something of an affront to my driving skills until she explained that she was always worried that the car behind her would be tailgating her and rear-end her whenever she was in a car that braked suddenly.

I assured her that when everyone slowed down like this, the solid wall of red brake-lights would catch the attention of even a distracted or absent-minded driver.  About three seconds later, a car plowed into the rear of the SUV next to us.   So I guess I was wrong about that.

When I went out again for my weekly gaming night, I immediately encountered another bad collision.  I fear St. Paddy’s day was to blame, though that first motorist would’ve had to be intoxicated at 10:00 in the morning, which I guess is the logical consequence of the “It’s noon somewhere” approach to drinking.

Bottom line, I have shown and will continue to show as much respect as I possibly can to Merlyn and Rebekah’s wishes; I have pestered them both plenty of times on the subject, and they have both assured me that I have not overstepped my bounds – I guess you have to be pretty old to consider someone who’s been as close as I have to ground zero for five years a “newcomer” to the situation, and nobody can deny that my life is pretty thoroughly entangled in this particular skein, so I guess I’ve bought my ticket and can say as I like.

Anyhow, I’m back from my hiatus now, and will try to resume posting as regularly as possible.  As for the whole Paulson family situation, with any luck there won’t be any need to talk about it for awhile, as it has quieted down now after the initial salvos, and those of us living in the trenches are just keeping our heads down and waiting until the shelling starts up again.  Hopefully ‘Bekah will be able to finish out her time at the school with her usual grace, and then things will be a good deal better around here for a while.

So, I’ve mentioned before that we tabletop roleplay, and I thought I’d add a few terms to our lexicon.  First, just as a single serving of a tv show is an “episode”, and books are often divided into “chapters”, roleplaying games have their own sets of units.  Generally, a single, compact story (like a tv episode or short story) is called an “adventure”, or “scenario” depending on the system.  From the early days, it has been common practice to link a series of these adventures together to form what is called a “campaign”.

An example, perhaps.  If you wanted to tell the story of how a small band of travelers, hunted by sinister strangers, travel cross-country to a rendezvous with a powerful friend who can protect them, that would be an adventure, with the players each taking the role of one of the travelers and the game master controlling the sinister strangers and describing incidents that occur along the way, introducing setbacks or other plot twists to keep the players on their toes, etc.  With any luck the players would reach the rendezvous and meet their important contact.

Maybe, however, the group has decided to play an ongoing series of adventures.  In this case, the first adventure could lead perhaps to a second – our characters have reached the rendezvous, but their contact is not there.  Maybe they meet another stranger, somewhat less sinister than those hunting them, who knows their situation and offers to help them.  The characters have to decide whether or not to trust this person (decisions made by the players, but with an attempt to portray the personalities they’ve created for their in-game dopplegangers), and either way, they have to move on before their pursuers catch up to them – or do they?  Maybe they should sit tight and wait for their original contact to show up.  Depending on how this plays out, the second adventure could end in numerous ways, each of which the GM should be prepared for.  Let’s say they trusted the stranger, and the second adventure ended with this new contact leading them away from the rendezvous steps ahead of their foes.  More adventures follow, with their characters making allies, learning about their pursuers, and eventually taking action to end the threat once and for all (by throwing a ring into a volcano, perhaps?).  Hopefully, at the end of the campaign, they will triumph over the dark forces arrayed against them and reclaim their lives of peace – or claim new lives of heroism and renown.

As you may be able to guess, preparing the plot of one of these monsters is demanding for a GM.  Since some GMs are lazy, inexperienced, unsure of themselves, or unwilling (someone has to GM or the game can’t be played, which can lead to it being seen as a chore), a support industry has grown up publishing pre-made adventures and, more rarely, campaigns.  These are typically referred to, in gamer’s parlance, as “modules”.

For the past month or so, our group has been playing one of these campaign-sized modules called The Shackled City.  I am running it, both because I am lazy and unsure of myself, and also because, when I was inexperienced, I developed quite an addiction to reading modules, and having read this one, fell in love with it.  Ever since I read the first installments of it several years ago, I have wanted to run it for a gaming group, and I am so glad to finally get the chance with the best group I have ever had.  I am looking at this as potentially the crowning moment of my gaming career.

I’ll write more about it some other time, I just felt like it should be introduced into this space.

Anyhow, the latest news here is that Rebek is down with a flu-like virus.  She couldn’t keep food down for a good chunk of yesterday, and she ran a pretty stiff temperature for much of the night.  In keeping with my established position, I will blame Phoebe (and possibly the little incubation-pods Rebekah teaches all day long).  Right now, Phoebe is maximum-pissed, due to the whole divorce/cessation-of-free-ride thing.  In her world, Merlyn must resemble his namesake, because he has all but vanished from Phoebedom at this point.  Abbey, too, is a great distance from the scene of the action, which is doubtless not the unadulterated blessing for her that it would be for a selfish fellow like me.  In short, they are both out of the line of fire.  Rebekah works with Phoebe.

Under normal circumstances, ‘Bekah finds this trying, as Phoebe is capable of demonstrating the ruthlessly selfish mindset and predatory cunning of a wolverine.  These days, however, the wolverine has been caught in the cruel steel jaws of a bear-trap.  It is nearly out of its mind with pain and fury.  Rebekah is sitting under the same tree.  The wolverine can reach her lap.

No wonder her immune system has quit under the truly staggering amounts of stress.

So without further ado, the cast list:

Duck and Burro

One of the trickiest parts of the whole exercise was casting each other.  I mean, this is where marriages end, folks – suggest “Paulie Shore” even as a joke, and your wife will probably leave you.  Let’s see who I cast as Rebekah:

Rebekah……….Natalie Portman

Yep, I think Rebekah is Portmanesque.  In addition to being a pretty face, Natalie has the chops to deal with some of the incredible highs and lows of ‘Bekah’s life, from the terrible strain of living with undiagnosed manic-depression, her battle with cervical cancer, her time in prison for a crime she didn’t commit – or admit, sorry, I meant admit, Rebekah totally beat up that old lady, no matter what she says – to the highs of marrying the dashing, gallant, mercurial and charming Burro, who will almost certainly be played by Brad Pitt.  No?  Umm, Matt Damon?  Clooney?  I mean he is a bit gray, but we could put him in a fright wig and the whole thing would go over huge in France.  No?  Well, who did Rebekah cast as me?

Matt……….Jack Black

Hmm, I see.  It’s a weight thing, isn’t it?  It does not necessarily help my self-esteem that ‘Bekah and I recently watched Nacho Libre, in which Black is even stranger than usual as he cavorts in stretchy pants and a luchador mask and speaks with an outrageous Mexican accent while using incongruous midwestern American slang.  Actually, I’m pretty happy with the selection, as Jack is funny and looks enough like Martin Sexton that we can easily sneak him in as my voice and guitar double if I ever learn to play the guitar or sing.  Also, ‘Bekah was originally pondering Jonah Hill, the stocky comic who she chiefly knows as the foul-mouthed lead in Superbad, so I suppose I should count my blessings.

Matt’s Side of the Family

Hmm, well I suppose we should start with the parents.  Now, I had previously considered Sally Fields for the role of my mother, but ‘Bekah opposed this on the grounds that Sally is “too old”.  While Sally is 62 years old at present, making her a good 20 years older than my mom (love you Mom!), they are Hollywood years, so it should all work out.  Also, Sally has made a career out of playing the good mother – she played the mother in Not Without My Daughter for Pete’s Sake, and also played the mother in Steel Magnolias, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Forrest Gump, as well as countless other film and tv roles,  so her maternal credentials are in order.

Nan Lee……….Sally Fields

Nerts to Rebekah!  Now for my dad, umm….. Rebekah, please help – I’ve never been able to think of an actor to play my dear old pop.  ‘Bekah, on the other hand, hardly has to think about it before she comes up with the perfect guy:

Mike Ross……….Bruce Campbell

I approve the choice at least in part because I love Bruce Campbell from all of his cult movie/ b-movie projects like the Evil Dead movies and Bubba-Hotep (and don’t forget Maniac Cop!…Well, okay, you can forget Maniac Cop), but also because of his performance as Sam Axe in Burn Notice, which is just one of the best series going today – if you miss Alias, you should check out Burn Notice.

Anyhow, we’re up to sister Sarah who warned me to pick someone cool.  Well, it was too late, Sis, we had already picked…

Sarah Reed……….Ellen Page

Just be grateful that we didn’t pick Tara Reid, because her name so totally rhymes with yours, and Clemmy kept pushing for it, but I was like “no, Clemmy” – yeah, I was totally like that.

Which brings us to Dylan and Bryan, the two fine fellows who have married into my side of the family.  Dylan was another easy one for Rebekah, who shot down my tentative Zach Braff in favor of:

Dylan Reed……….James Roday (the guy from Psych)

You can’t really see the resemblance as much in the photo as you can in the show – it’s a mannerism thing.  Bryan was a good deal harder.  Firstly, he is a big dude.  There are not many big dudes who become famous as actors.  Off the top of my head I can only think of one – Michael Clarke Duncan.  There is a slight ethnicity problem, here, though, and I confess that ‘Bekah and I were stumped, so I cheated and suggested that we simply cast a performer renowned for talent and versatility, who would surely be able to portray Bryan’s easygoing manner and quiet strength despite the inevitable physical disparities:

Bryan Lee……….Meryl Streep

Yep, she can do anything.  Amazing lady, really.  Finest actress of her generation.  What’s left for her, really, to accomplish playing women?  It’s time for her to start playing big, manly roles, and I humbly offer her the next Oscar-worthy vehicle of her stellar career.

Rebekah’s Side of the Family

I really love ‘Bekah’s father and sister, so it is really important to me that they be well-portrayed in the film.  As for Phoebe, well, ‘Bekah has requested that her birth be modelled after Athena’s, so we will use special effects to show her springing full grown from Merlyn’s head and just omit ‘Bekah’s mom from the picture altogether.  Whom to select for the role of Merlyn, though?  ‘Bekah and I fiercely contested this one.  Initially, she suggested Clint Eastwood, and I suggested Robert Duvall (we both conveniently ignored the uncanny resemblance between Merlyn and Garrison Keillor, who looks like Merlyn’s somewhat better-upholstered older brother).  Then, in a sudden reversal, we each liked the other’s pick so much that we switched.  Then ‘Bekah made the ridiculous assertion that it should be Robert Duvall because “he’s tougher”, and I retorted that Clint was obviously tougher, because he never dies in his movies, while Duvall has died on-screen, and ‘Bekah replied that this just meant that Clint was “too fancy” to attempt a death scene.  This was really over the line, and we flew at each other like rabid weasels, biting, scratching, and clawing, until the stronger and more experienced combatant won out.

Merlyn Paulson……….Robert Duvall

Abbey was a bit trickier, but we eventually came up with what I feel is a workable solution:

Abbey Paulson……….Hilary Swank

As for Abbey’s sweetheart, Mahria, well, we were basically stuck until we received this audition tape from an unknown actress.  I encourage you to play it, her performance is quite..something.

Good Buddies

Well, that leaves us with just the final few members of my social circle, Ezekiel, Tyler, and Jon.  Ezekiel is by far the most difficult, as once again, we are confronted by the tricky issue of race.  What handsome latino actor can we get to play Ezekiel?  We briefly considered Javier Bardem, but then decided that it would be more fun to just put Robert Downey Jr. in racially insensitive makeup again.  Sure, he doesn’t really look that much like Ezekiel, but no one would be paying any attention to that anyway.

Ezekiel……….Robert Downey Jr.

Then, of course, there’s Tyler.  I confess to being totally stumped by this one, but once again Rebekah bailed me out.  Her choice was this fellow from Mad Men – I wasn’t convinced at first, until Rebekah showed me the picture; the physical resemblance, if nothing else, is very strong.

Tyler…………Rich Sommer

So, who plays the villainous Jon?  After much thought, I’ve come up with:

Jon Beam……….Michael C. Hall

His work on Dexter shows that he can clearly carry off the “bland-yet-sinister” serial killer vibe so essential to an accurate portrayal of Jon.  Now if we can just persuade him to gain 120 pounds for the part and work in a soiled diaper…

And I guess that wraps – what’s that, who’s gonna play Clementine?  Listen, man, she plays herself – I thought that would be pretty obvious.  Sheesh, what a dumb question…

Now, I have done this a few times in my life, and I find that it is the most fun if you don’t try to pin everything down too precisely.  For example, I never consider the genre of the film, its budget, whether it is going to cover different time periods in my life (and will therefore likely require actors of different ages to play certain parts – or we can always just use age-defying makeup, like they did to make Robert Redford and Glenn Close look like teenagers in The Natural; that seemed to work really well.  Just really, really well), etc.

Anyhow, ‘Bekah is a fairly inveterate reader of People magazine (it is the literary equivalent of her favorite junk food), and had little trouble supplying actors and actresses to fill out the entire cast – and what little trouble she did have, I was able to fix by cheating.  I thought I would post this as fair warning in order to give those of you intrigued by the idea a chance to ponder for yourselves which performer you might cast in various roles – yourself, perhaps.  Our take goes up Sunday morning, maybe some of you will post your picks in the comment section before then…

Once again, I am on the edge of a situation here that is complex, fragile, and woven entirely from that elusive stuff which spins out like spider silk from each point of contact in a long, intimate relationship – in this case one that began before I was born.  I am hardly qualified to comment, but feel that I must offer some means of access for the people who read this blog to find out what is going on in my life (as opposed to those of you who read it for clues to the location of my secret cache of Nazi war gold).

So, to sum up, Merlyn and Phoebe haven’t been happy together for quite some time.  I’ll spare you my amateur psychology, but I’m convinced that Phoebe is incapable of being happy anymore, and when she’s unhappy she swings through the lives of those close to her like a wrecking ball.

I find it helpful to think of the whole thing as an amputation.  Even though cold reason tells you that your Phoebe is gangrenous, you can’t help but feel that it is knit to you, part of you, and that your symmetry and wholeness will be inextricably marred by its removal.  But it is necessary.  Also, there will be terrible pain involved in the operation, and probably some blood, and you won’t ever function as well, as naturally, as you did before.  But it is necessary.  Still, the sheer irrevocability of it gives you pause.  It is hard to imagine anything but death that could motivate someone to undergo such a self-mutilation, which I suppose gives you an idea of what Phoebe has been like lately.  Ultimately, I think Merlyn would have refused the operation and damn the consequences, much like a certain other cowboy, if the stakes hadn’t been raised to the point where they threatened ‘Bekah and Abbitha.

On the day in question, I was kind of dragging, so I added a twenty oz. bottle of Mountain Dew to the itinerary in the hopes that a jolt of caffeine would pick me up a bit.  This was, I feel, a fateful choice.

Y’see, I think it was this twenty oz. beverage that planted the idea in the vapid checkout lady’s mind.  After all, a twenty oz. bottle is clearly an individual serving, so perhaps I was one of those on-the-go types who’d just stopped in to grab a quick lunch from the deli counter?  As she continued ringing up the various containers of food, though, she began to realize that this was really more food than was strictly appropriate for one person to eat by themselves.  This realization occurred to her at approximately the same time as her “small talk” circuits kicked in.

“Getting enough to share?” she asked, with just a little bit more of a genuine interrogatory inflection than I was comfortable hearing, as though she wasn’t entirely sure that I was going to share my five pounds of food with anyone.  Like most fat people, I am annoyed when others assume me capable of ridiculous feats of gluttony – my particular caliber of obesity is attained by a very modest amount of overeating, combined with apallingly bad nutritional choices and a sedentary lifestyle, and shame on you for not knowing that, less-obese person!

A series of possible responses flashed through my head, many of them quite appealing to me.  In the event, I could only choose one, but the magic of the internet allows me to live out the others here with both of my readers.

Option the first, crass and vengeful

“Getting enough to share?” I screeched back at the clerk in an insulting caricature of her voice while furiously shaking the bottle of soda she’d just handed me.  Pointing it in her general direction, I twisted off the cap…

Option the second, understated sarcasm/dishonesty

“Actually, I’m trying to bulk up – they’re starting up a sumo team over at CSU, and I’m trying to make junior heavyweight.

(for extra vindictiveness, add “y’know, they might be starting up a lady’s team, too – you would be perfect!)

Option the third, painfully awkward

“No,” I said defensively, meeting the checkout lady’s gaze with my own hurt expression.

(works better yet if you can make your eyes tear up on cue)

Option the fourth, the old stand-by

“¿Que?” I replied, holding out my credit card anxiously, as though maybe she’d asked for it.  “No voy tener mas anyos, ahora, porque los angeles quieren llevar mis zapatos rojos.”

Option the fifth, the boring one

“Yeah, I’m bringing lunch back to the guys at the office.”

Option the sixth, the sudden disturbing twist

“Yeah, I’m bringing lunch back to the guys at the office.  Oh, hell, I meant to get some rat poison, too.”  Stand indecisively for a moment, then “Well, go ahead and ring this stuff up, I should probably pay cash for that anyway so it’s not on the receipt…”

Anyway, the cracking and grinding of tectonic plates continues here, and I feel like I probably ought to share a little bit more of what is going on.  I’ll stick to what concerns ‘Bekah and I most closely – ‘Bekah has decided to give up teaching at Children’s House and return to the pursuit of higher education.  It was a very difficult decision for ‘Bekah, who has invested not only plenty of blood, sweat, and tears in the school, but also a great many of her hopes and dreams.  Unfortunately, the relationship between Rebekah and her mother has just become too complicated and, frankly, dysfunctional for them to continue working together.

One’s relationships with one’s parents are tangled and intricate webs, to be sure, and far be it from me to attempt any further analysis of or commentary on  the situation.  It wouldn’t help anyway.  It is so tempting to take a simplistic view of these sorts of conflicts, or play blame games, when the reality is so fraught with layers of meaning, idealization, and contradiction that the “truth” is probably not recoverable even by those most intimately involved.

For those of you not intimately involved, however, who don’t need the truth as much as a working explanation, you can get by with this brief summary – it’s pretty much all Phoebe’s fault, because she is a bad person.

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