El Burro Volador

I remember in trying out for the school play back in high school and having to wait for the cast list to go up to see if I’d made it.  I remember all of us aspiring thespians clustering around it in the hallway, wondering if we were in and what parts we’d gotten.  Today won’t be quite the same, of course: anyone who is a fairly prominent or regular player in my real life is in, there will be no jostling, the person who got the male lead won’t be repeatedly elbowed in the back by me as he tries to make his way out of the throng….

So without further ado, the cast list:

Duck and Burro

One of the trickiest parts of the whole exercise was casting each other.  I mean, this is where marriages end, folks – suggest “Paulie Shore” even as a joke, and your wife will probably leave you.  Let’s see who I cast as Rebekah:

Rebekah……….Natalie Portman

Yep, I think Rebekah is Portmanesque.  In addition to being a pretty face, Natalie has the chops to deal with some of the incredible highs and lows of ‘Bekah’s life, from the terrible strain of living with undiagnosed manic-depression, her battle with cervical cancer, her time in prison for a crime she didn’t commit – or admit, sorry, I meant admit, Rebekah totally beat up that old lady, no matter what she says – to the highs of marrying the dashing, gallant, mercurial and charming Burro, who will almost certainly be played by Brad Pitt.  No?  Umm, Matt Damon?  Clooney?  I mean he is a bit gray, but we could put him in a fright wig and the whole thing would go over huge in France.  No?  Well, who did Rebekah cast as me?

Matt……….Jack Black

Hmm, I see.  It’s a weight thing, isn’t it?  It does not necessarily help my self-esteem that ‘Bekah and I recently watched Nacho Libre, in which Black is even stranger than usual as he cavorts in stretchy pants and a luchador mask and speaks with an outrageous Mexican accent while using incongruous midwestern American slang.  Actually, I’m pretty happy with the selection, as Jack is funny and looks enough like Martin Sexton that we can easily sneak him in as my voice and guitar double if I ever learn to play the guitar or sing.  Also, ‘Bekah was originally pondering Jonah Hill, the stocky comic who she chiefly knows as the foul-mouthed lead in Superbad, so I suppose I should count my blessings.

Matt’s Side of the Family

Hmm, well I suppose we should start with the parents.  Now, I had previously considered Sally Fields for the role of my mother, but ‘Bekah opposed this on the grounds that Sally is “too old”.  While Sally is 62 years old at present, making her a good 20 years older than my mom (love you Mom!), they are Hollywood years, so it should all work out.  Also, Sally has made a career out of playing the good mother – she played the mother in Not Without My Daughter for Pete’s Sake, and also played the mother in Steel Magnolias, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Forrest Gump, as well as countless other film and tv roles,  so her maternal credentials are in order.

Nan Lee……….Sally Fields

Nerts to Rebekah!  Now for my dad, umm….. Rebekah, please help – I’ve never been able to think of an actor to play my dear old pop.  ‘Bekah, on the other hand, hardly has to think about it before she comes up with the perfect guy:

Mike Ross……….Bruce Campbell

I approve the choice at least in part because I love Bruce Campbell from all of his cult movie/ b-movie projects like the Evil Dead movies and Bubba-Hotep (and don’t forget Maniac Cop!…Well, okay, you can forget Maniac Cop), but also because of his performance as Sam Axe in Burn Notice, which is just one of the best series going today – if you miss Alias, you should check out Burn Notice.

Anyhow, we’re up to sister Sarah who warned me to pick someone cool.  Well, it was too late, Sis, we had already picked…

Sarah Reed……….Ellen Page

Just be grateful that we didn’t pick Tara Reid, because her name so totally rhymes with yours, and Clemmy kept pushing for it, but I was like “no, Clemmy” – yeah, I was totally like that.

Which brings us to Dylan and Bryan, the two fine fellows who have married into my side of the family.  Dylan was another easy one for Rebekah, who shot down my tentative Zach Braff in favor of:

Dylan Reed……….James Roday (the guy from Psych)

You can’t really see the resemblance as much in the photo as you can in the show – it’s a mannerism thing.  Bryan was a good deal harder.  Firstly, he is a big dude.  There are not many big dudes who become famous as actors.  Off the top of my head I can only think of one – Michael Clarke Duncan.  There is a slight ethnicity problem, here, though, and I confess that ‘Bekah and I were stumped, so I cheated and suggested that we simply cast a performer renowned for talent and versatility, who would surely be able to portray Bryan’s easygoing manner and quiet strength despite the inevitable physical disparities:

Bryan Lee……….Meryl Streep

Yep, she can do anything.  Amazing lady, really.  Finest actress of her generation.  What’s left for her, really, to accomplish playing women?  It’s time for her to start playing big, manly roles, and I humbly offer her the next Oscar-worthy vehicle of her stellar career.

Rebekah’s Side of the Family

I really love ‘Bekah’s father and sister, so it is really important to me that they be well-portrayed in the film.  As for Phoebe, well, ‘Bekah has requested that her birth be modelled after Athena’s, so we will use special effects to show her springing full grown from Merlyn’s head and just omit ‘Bekah’s mom from the picture altogether.  Whom to select for the role of Merlyn, though?  ‘Bekah and I fiercely contested this one.  Initially, she suggested Clint Eastwood, and I suggested Robert Duvall (we both conveniently ignored the uncanny resemblance between Merlyn and Garrison Keillor, who looks like Merlyn’s somewhat better-upholstered older brother).  Then, in a sudden reversal, we each liked the other’s pick so much that we switched.  Then ‘Bekah made the ridiculous assertion that it should be Robert Duvall because “he’s tougher”, and I retorted that Clint was obviously tougher, because he never dies in his movies, while Duvall has died on-screen, and ‘Bekah replied that this just meant that Clint was “too fancy” to attempt a death scene.  This was really over the line, and we flew at each other like rabid weasels, biting, scratching, and clawing, until the stronger and more experienced combatant won out.

Merlyn Paulson……….Robert Duvall

Abbey was a bit trickier, but we eventually came up with what I feel is a workable solution:

Abbey Paulson……….Hilary Swank

As for Abbey’s sweetheart, Mahria, well, we were basically stuck until we received this audition tape from an unknown actress.  I encourage you to play it, her performance is quite..something.

Good Buddies

Well, that leaves us with just the final few members of my social circle, Ezekiel, Tyler, and Jon.  Ezekiel is by far the most difficult, as once again, we are confronted by the tricky issue of race.  What handsome latino actor can we get to play Ezekiel?  We briefly considered Javier Bardem, but then decided that it would be more fun to just put Robert Downey Jr. in racially insensitive makeup again.  Sure, he doesn’t really look that much like Ezekiel, but no one would be paying any attention to that anyway.

Ezekiel……….Robert Downey Jr.

Then, of course, there’s Tyler.  I confess to being totally stumped by this one, but once again Rebekah bailed me out.  Her choice was this fellow from Mad Men – I wasn’t convinced at first, until Rebekah showed me the picture; the physical resemblance, if nothing else, is very strong.

Tyler…………Rich Sommer

So, who plays the villainous Jon?  After much thought, I’ve come up with:

Jon Beam……….Michael C. Hall

His work on Dexter shows that he can clearly carry off the “bland-yet-sinister” serial killer vibe so essential to an accurate portrayal of Jon.  Now if we can just persuade him to gain 120 pounds for the part and work in a soiled diaper…

And I guess that wraps – what’s that, who’s gonna play Clementine?  Listen, man, she plays herself – I thought that would be pretty obvious.  Sheesh, what a dumb question…